{Thowback} A Post Written Before I was Thirty. *GASP*

Recently, I was rummaging through my posts that I had left in draft mode when I came across a post title "I am 29," written on May 19th of this year.  When I reread it, I realized that I had a distinct reason for not posting it:  FEAR.  FEAR of what others would make of the post, FEAR of how or what it may sound like to someone else's ears and eyes.  FEAR of it revealing something that may make me look bad or appear unappealing in a friend or loved ones eyes.

But then I realized something.... Why Do I Fear?  I am beginning to love who I am today, and who I am going to grow to be tomorrow.  I have weaknesses that I beat myself up over daily, but I have a loving merciful God who forgives me daily.  I have a conscience that reminds me that perfection is not what I strive to be, and what other's think of me means nothing at all because at the end of the day, I only need to be accepted by God and no one else.  (I'm not gonna lie...I have pushed back this post for at least ten days.  It's another one that makes me soooooo nervous to publish.  Errrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!)

{I am 29}
written May 19, 2011

While most people are tuned into the Mavs playoff game or watching the highly anticipated season finale of Grey's Anatomy (another post written weeks ago that I was too shy to post), I am flipping the stations between three shows:  Hannity, Killing bin Laden, and Megaquake:  The Hour that Shook Japan.  No, I am not kidding.  I sort of wish I was.  Should I be even more concerned that I am not ashamed or embarrassed of it?

I've scarcely mentioned how it took me until my mid-twenties (yes, you read that right...mid twenties) to gain confidence within myself and be proud of who I am, to tear down that wall and open up to others and be okay if someone didn't like me; it took me a long time to realize that it is far better to be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not.   That's another blog in itself that will happen in due time.  ;)

{So here it is.  Me.  Raw. }

--Being a mother is the most indescribable feeling in the world.  My daughter teaches me something new about life, this world, and this universe everyday.  We have good days, we have bad days, we have fun days, we have boring days.  I feel intimidated by the roles of a mother, yet still somehow go to bed filled with a calmness and peace that only God can provide. 

--I miss college.  I would go back to college life in a heart beat if I was promised my life would end up exactly how it is now. I would certainly change a few people who surrounded me at the beginning, but other than that, I'd be there in a flash.

--Growing spiritually has grown much merit on my daily to-do list.  Along with the support of my family, my of two good friends Paige and Brooke have really provided much inspiration and encouragement through this enlightening and heart opening experience.

--I do not miss high school.  I wish everyone I knew in high school could know me now instead of the shy girl who came off as unfriendly when it was really just a girl who had no idea what to talk about and lacked the self-esteem to feel comfortable in her own skin.

--I am full of quirks.  My imagination is always on.  I am weird.  Truly.  I say weird things such as sending a text message to Paige about how our two girls need batman capes and masks to wear while holding hands and the wind blowing their cape.  I mean, is that normal?  No.  But it is me.

--My humor is immature.  I laugh at inappropriate things, love bathroom humor, and constantly struggled saying the word "climax" to my 7th graders.  In fact, I still hate that word just like I hate the word panties (shivers).  I laugh at any mention of "balls" and taught my nephew at an embarrassing young age that "crack" kills after his swimsuit kept showing his crack.

--Yet I am full of depth.  Odd to be so immature and quirky, yet so deep and passionate.  

--The End Times are a complete fascination to me.  If you are not a Christian, and you are reading this, get ready for the wrath of God.  If you are reading my blog, I want you to join me in heaven.  Because of this, I am taking a risk with this next sentence.  I am going to put this frankly, but good-doers don't go to Heaven or have an eternal life.    The only way to have an eternal life is through the Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God.  Reference:  John 3:16-17, John 3:36, Romans 6:23, I John 5:11, I John 5:12....  Being a do-gooder, will get you nowhere if you aren't doing the good for the glory of God.  If you need more evidence, click here.

--Water terrifies me, but I love swimming and the beach?  I just came to this realization. I've always been afraid of drains, dams, and water towers.  Recently, after watching rushing water through a spillway, I realized that I am totally terrified of death and destruction by water.  Interesting revelation.

--I am insanely empathetic and sympathetic.  I feel for others immensely.  I cry watching "What Would You Do" and when my favorite underdog wins on "Wheel of Fortune." Sad to admit, but I have a hard time understanding those who lack sensitivity and compassion.

--I worry.  I worry about everything.  Mostly, I worry if things I say or comments I make come across the wrong way or make me look stupid.  Every time I leave a social setting, I have a movie playing through my head of the event and think of all the times I made myself look silly and regret it immediately.  I am very, very hard on myself.  I worry about what other people think of me and always feel like I am criticized when I am not around.

--Weather (earth science), history, and the bible times intrigue me.  All three are, in some ways, are obsessions.

--I am aggressive.  When I feel strongly about something, I am way too aggressive and head strong.  Definitely to a fault.  Major weakness.  I am not a pushover.

--Insomnia is a very well known verb to me.  I struggle sleeping often.

--When my husband is out of town, I may or may not shower accordingly.

--Fashion is not something I am good at.  I wish I was one of those super trendy women who always looks cute no matter their budget, or what they are wearing.  I seem to easily identify when someone else looks fantastic, but I can't pick out a cute outfit for the life of me.  I get really intimidated by women who have a natural ability for fashion.

--Postpartum Depression once consumed me; now God consumes it for me. 

--Talents I wish I possessed:  creativity, a beautiful voice, and the ability to dance

--My metabolism is ridiculously high and always has been.  Unfortunately, this is often mistaken for eating disorders.  I eat, people.  A LOT.  It sucks to be hated before you even have the chance to introduce yourself.

--I love writing. I love reading. I love talking.  But I talk too much. Way too much.

--I observe everything.  I just notice things.  I notice the color of the car driving behind me, the person smoking outside the store I am entering and what they are wearing, and actions that others make in my presence and what it means. It's just a natural.

--Because I taught English for so long, I always criticize my husbands verbal grammar usage.  No one elses though.  Weird, huh?  When I read, I often get hung up on analyzing each word, and get lost in the wonders of literary devices and elements.

--My intuition is one to be reckoned with.  I can often feel what someone is thinking and feeling based on observing their actions and words.  It sounds weird, but if you ask my closest friends and family, and they can confirm it.  I mean, it is not psychic stuff, it's just keen perception.  I don't have crazy supernatural talents.  I don't even believe in that stuff.

--I am judged often.  Sometimes I wonder if I bring it upon myself.  I really dislike this feeling.

--I've learned to never say never.  It only took 28 years, but I learned it the moment I became a mother.

--I live with regrets.  Some small, some large, mostly things that I can't forgive myself for.  Even stupid ones like leaving people out of my wedding, or handling situations immaturely, or even reaming out the girls in high school who tried to tell me about my stupid boyfriends indiscretions...especially because they were always right.  Ugh, what a fool I was.

--Although it's definitely far from perfect, I love my life.  I love the spot I am at in life, and I wouldn't want to be in any one else's shoes other than my own--imperfections and all!

--I'm thankful for learning what humility means.  I haven't always been humbled.  I haven't always had an easy time admitting that I was wrong.  After having a baby, something in me changed.  Now, I find myself turned off by those who are prideful, can't admit their wrongs, and pretend to put on a false sense of perfection which makes me work incredibly hard at trying to humble myself daily.  Weakness #6,000:  I need not judge others for their weaknesses.   Instead, I should shower them with love and grace and pray for their heart to be opened and softened.  I am definitely working on this, although I am finding it hard. 

--I am a Christian; I have been in a church all of my life, yet the surface of the bible has merely been scratched.  I yearn to memorize scripture and become a better Christian every day.  I've had years that I only attended church a few times and I am not proud of that at all.  But it happened.  It is me.  I believe that you can call yourself a Christian and attend church three times a week with all the bible studies in tow, but if your heart is too prideful and not open to accepting God's word, then you will find yourself in a scary place when Jesus returns.    

--I can be very lazy at times.

--Family is my end all be all.  If I went into this, it would be a novel in itself, so I will leave it at that.

--I love close girl friends.  There is nothing better that a real, quality girl friend who you can talk about ANYTHING in the world to, laugh until you cry, cry until there are no more tears with.  I am talking about the loyal, true girls who you can lean on and they will love you for your faults and all.  The kind that love you even when you are acting IMPOSSIBLE to love..that's the real type of friend.

--I always wish I could be a better wife to my husband.  I feel like I fail at this in at least one moment every day.  My heart has much more humility to learn in this area; I have so much to learn on being a better wife.  

--I cry extremely easily; I am emotional; I am intense; I should have been a lawyer; I am learning to calm down before reacting when angry (James 1:19).  And if I feel like you don't like me, a wall will go up that is almost impossible to tear down, but I am working really hard at not doing that anymore.

{And just like that....Here I Am.  Me.  Raw.}

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